I Will Praise You In The Storm

The Silent Treatment – Month 2: I am feeling so battered by the storms in my life. Even though I know all the promises God has given and that I should be trusting Him to give me the strength to endure the storm, I am in such need of peace.

I would love for Him to calm the seas during this raging storm. I would love to have that “perfect peace” that “surpasses all understanding” and that allows me to “be still, and know” He is my God.

I have been told that sometimes God calms the seas, and sometimes He calms the heart. I would be grateful for either, at this point. So until then, I continue to pray – for grace, strength, wisdom, guidance . . . and, when I am so overwhelmed that I have no words of my own to say in prayer, I will use the words of a song.

He Said / She Said

On this journey, there is nothing quite like meeting someone on the road whose experiences have resembled my own. Whether we cross paths in person, through a computer or a book, the result is the same when their words resonate with my own feelings.

The affirmation that I am not alone in my situation, that my story is understood by another and to be able to relate to someone else’s story, is like balm to my hurting and confused soul.

The following statements came from a couple as they shared how their marriage has been (and continues to be) affected by ADD.

He Said:

“I felt that no matter how hard I tried I could never do well enough for my spouse, even when I was successful elsewhere, such as at work. It didn’t matter – I still felt like a failure at home.”

“I often responded with anger and defensiveness, when it was shame that I was really feeling.”

“I had to anticipate my wife’s response to every single thing I did. I lived my life trying to second guess her because I really did want to please her, but most of the time she was still mad.”

“I sometimes felt that the easiest way to deal with my spouse was to simply leave her alone.”

“Our marital issues left me feeling unloved.”

“Even if my ADD made me see or remember something ‘not right’, it still was my reality, and that was not respected.”

“I learned to lie to cover for mistakes. I learned to deflect criticism, to shift the blame to anything or anyone other than myself to protect my ego. I avoided being decisive, because in deferring the decisions to someone else, I could also defer the blame.”

“I have trouble planning ahead. I am notoriously late because I easily lose track of time and I’m often terrible at judging how long it will take to complete a task. I know this bothers my wife, but I don’t understand why it bothers her so much.”

“I felt the only reason my wife was insisting on treatment was so she could change me. I didn’t realize that what she wanted was the real me – without so much of the ADD baggage.”

“I don’t understand why we still have problems, even though I am now receiving treatment for my ADD . . “

“I don’t believe all of our problems are my fault . . . or the result of my ADD.”

She Said:

“There has been so much inconsistency living with my husband. I have usually been the one left to “clean up” from what was forgotten or not finished by my spouse.”

“I get so frustrated that my husband never seems to follow through on what he has agreed to do. He focuses intently on things that interest him, but never on me. I feel lonely and ignored in our relationship.”

“I am scared for myself . . .that my life will continue along it’s current path. I think about leaving my husband because the current path feels unsustainable.”

“The effects that my husband’s behavior have had on our marriage and family are much more than can be imagined.”

“At times, I become overwhelmed by sadness. And I mourn for the relationship I could have with my spouse, if not for ADD.”

“Life often seems depressingly up and down and out of control. I can not believe how many years we have dealt with the same issues over and over again.”

“I don’t understand my husband’s anger, stonewalling and defensiveness. If he is not responding angrily towards me or the kids, then he is ignoring us. I am constantly seeking any scraps of attention, respect, help and support I can get from him”

“He can be convinced that he is upset because of something I have just said, but he doesn’t recall that he was upset long before.”

“Understanding my husband’s quite different reality can be so challenging. I am exhausted and depleted. No amount of effort seems to fix the relationship.”

“I want to be able to love my husband unreservedly, without having to make as many of the horrific trade offs in my own life that responding to his symptoms has required.”

“He doesn’t see that deciding to get treatment is not the same as pursuing effective treatment that gives both of us relief from his
symptoms.”

“By the time we finally find solutions for our issues, I feel my life will be shredded beyond recognition – I have already been scarred forever.”

They Said:

Our marriage has been a progression from happy to confused to angry to hopeless.

There is more sadness than hope in their story, but it was good for me to hear the husband’s perspective. You see, although ADD is a topic I now know much about, this is probably the closest I will ever come to knowing what life is like for my own husband . . .

Words Of A Dying Woman

“You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined . . .”

“The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren’t able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It’s called being human . . .”

“But I have found that in the simplest act of living with hope, and in the daily effort of having a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that, I am grateful . . .”

“I do know that when my children are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm . . . And when the wind did not blow her way, and it surely has not, she adjusted her sails . . .”

Words written by Elizabeth Edwards 2010

I Wanna Know What Love Is

My heart has been broken. It happened a long time ago. And I’ve never healed. Or maybe I have, since the wound no longer bleeds. But instead of the scars making me stronger in those broken places, my heart has become harder.

Cautious.

Calloused.

Self protective.

I’ve been told love is dangerous. I think I’ve subconsciously believed it to be true. That would explain why I keep those I love at a distance. After all, what we believe determines how we live . . .

Was it the loss of my mother at such a young age that taught me to not hold on too tightly? Or was it the rejection I felt from my father and the family that raised me (after my mother’s death) that has allowed me to easily detach? Maybe it was the trampling my self-worth endured from the betrayal of my first love that has kept me suspicious in the existence of life enduring, whole-hearted love . . .

Its only been recently that I’ve become conscious of the long-lasting effects the broken heart of a life time ago has had.

As much as I’d like to ignore it – I can’t.

I see the repercussions in all my closest relationships.

How could I be living this way for so long and not realize it till now?

But it’s not enough just to know . . . to be aware.

I have to fix

Change.

Amend.

My future and the well-being of my self, my children, my marriage, my life depends on it.

I once wrote, “there is healing and humility in authenticity”

(wordpress.com/2012/01/04/the-real-thing-is-always-better-than-a-good-knock-off/)

At the time, I was referring to my fear of letting others see what dysfunction was going on in our home as the result of my husband’s behavior. Now I am seeing those words and realize they apply to so much more.

To love authentically can bring healing.
To love vulnerably can bring humility.

Asking God to help me do both as I continue to identify and tear down all the walls surrounding my heart.

“Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me.”

Existing In The Distance Between Us

Silent Treatment – Month 1. We go our own way, retire to our shared bedroom at the end of each day, turn out the light and lay side by side, all without saying barely a word to each other.

I’m sad, emotionally exhausted and lonely. My husband is angry, detached, and full of self-righteous indignation.

Each for our own reasons, we have both stopped trying. While I wish my marriage was healthy, and my family thriving, I have only enough energy to wish, and nothing more.

The energy I do have is spent on parenting the children, taking care of the household needs, and working.

My husband has become absent both physically and emotionally. His energy is now being consumed by his hobby of bike riding. He rides after work and on the weekends. He rides mountain bikes and road bikes. He rides in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. His rides up to 8 hours at a time. He unashamedly admits he would much rather be bike riding than to be at home.

He abandons us all and we are expected to accept it as “ok”.

I spent days in the hospital and several more at home recuperating after a hysterectomy. That time was spent ALONE. My husband chose to be occupied elsewhere. While I harbor resentment towards his lack of empathy and care taking of me, when that same attitude is directed towards my children, I can not tolerate it.

My oldest son had gone out of town and needed to be picked up from the airport. Here is the conversation that took place between my husband and I regarding the logistics.

Me: “M is wondering if you can pick him up from the airport. His flight gets in at 3:40pm.”

Husband: “I am going on a bike ride, but can get him afterwards. Have him text me. I could be there at 5:30pm.”

Me: “I will give him your message, although just between us, I’m sure if it was one of your friends asking, you would not have them waiting for you at the airport for 2 hours while you go on a bike ride.”

Husband: “I am trying to do what I can to remain healthy and will do my best to pick him up by 5:30pm.”

Me: “I understand. It’s just difficult when I am reminded how you often go out of your way to show generosity and kindness to others, but not necessarily to us, your family . . .”

Husband: no response

A recurring theme in our home – everyone else gets his best, and we get nothing.

I write because I have to. I have to put our reality in written words so I remember. Otherwise, the truth becomes distorted in my mind. After listening to my husband’s accusations of my insanity and over sensitivity, I begin to believe him.

Proverbs 18:13 The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear it if the spirit is crushed?

That’s Not My Name

“Dumb” ~ “Slow” ~ “Gay” ~ “Unpopular” ~ “Broken Paw”

These were the labels which my son had been branded by his classmates at school.

Having cerebral palsy affected him physically, but not cognitively, making him well aware that these classmate’s comments were taunting and unkind. His right-sided weakness, did make his movements slower than others, and the tightness in his muscles caused him to hold his arm in a contracted position (earning him the name, “Broken Paw“)

I knew my son was having a hard time at school socially. It was heart-breaking for me to see this once happy and outgoing child turn into a lonely and withdrawn adolescent. I recruited all who I thought could help – his teachers, school principal, guidance counselor, and pediatrician. I was accustom to being his advocate, but in this situation, no one seemed to be able to intervene.

No matter how hard I pushed, the attempt to placate me was made with comments like, “unless we catch someone in the act of bullying, there’s nothing we can do” (teachers and principal) and “maybe you should try spending more one on one time with him - he is probably feeling lost amongst all those siblings“ (guidance counselor) and “he’s doing just fine, I see no signs of depression“. (pediatrician)

It was up to me. I began a campaign of prayer for and conversations with my son.

My theme – “Just because someone sees you as being a certain way, doesn’t make it true – and even if it is true at the time, doesn’t mean it will always be true. Sometimes we fail to see changes in ourselves and in our lives and continue to believe what is no longer accurate. We believe lies.”

Every time I had the opportunity, I found a way to reinforce this concept. When he came home from school with an “A” on his math test, he was excited and completely surprised at himself. My response – “Of course you got an “A”. You studied hard and understood the material. Just because you used to have a hard time with math doesn’t mean that you are dumb or that you will always have a hard time with math.”

His physical limitations were a common source of frustration for him but once we vocalized this to his physical and occupational therapists, they were amazing at implementing exercises that would loosen the muscles in his arm to diminish the “broken paw” effect. It took work and a conscious effort on his part, but the progress was motivating.

I have the protective nature of a lion when it comes to my children and it still makes me angry to remember the difficulties surrounding my son’s CP that we have had to endure because of the ignorance of others. But at some point, I knew I had to acknowledge that my son’s own behavior could be contributing to his social issues at school. I knew he wanted to fit in, be well liked and “popular”, but I also could see how life had required him to develop emotional self-protection and his way of coping had made him prickly.

Changing the opinion of his classmates would be no easy task, but in the meantime, I encouraged him to focus on the friendships he had at church. It was there that I saw glimpses of the boy I once knew. Witty, smiling, confident . . . Accepted.

It was in the car one day, just me and him, that I brought up the subject of the letter he wrote to me many months ago. The letter where he confessed, “I am gay.” (http://mygossamerlife.wordpress.com/2011/06/23/a-letter-from-my-son/) I wanted to check in with him, as I did occasionally, to see what his feelings / thoughts were. His reply was short but thoughtful: “That’s not how I see myself anymore. I’m not even sure why I ever did . . .”

I’m told that the challenges of being a parent never end, and as my kids get older, I am a witness to the fact that the challenges definitely DO NOT get easier. I know that I have and will continue to make mistakes along the way, but I pray God will give me the grace and wisdom required to always point them to Him.

Real Advice I Could Actually Use

Spending time with an adult ADD “expert” gave me more insight to my husband’s behavior than weeks spent reading books on marriage & ADD, months on the couch of my therapist, and years of unproductive conversations with my husband. Here is the advice she gave me over lunch:

ANGER

“Even though you may feel justified in being angry at your husband for the suffering he has caused you, the inevitable result is that both of you are hurt deeply and your indignation does nothing to help you deal with your anger.”

“You can address the root causes of anger in your relationship by giving back the responsibility for fixing ADD to the partner who has it. While at the same time, taking charge of your own happiness again.”

FORGIVENESS

“The cure for anger? – Forgiveness”

“Blame diminishes each partners ability to be empathetic – it impairs the ability to forgive – it sets up two people as adversaries rather than partners – it provides an excuse to not keep trying.”

“Forgiveness can only occur after anger and sadness have been exposed, expressed and validated.”

MOVING FORWARD

“You should allow yourself to experience sadness, because grieving for what you have not had in your marriage, up to this point, is one of the first steps toward building a new life together.”

“Both partners should grieve over what could have been, but wasn’t because of the unrecognized effects of ADD on your lives. You can’t resolve someone’s grief. Just acknowledge and empathize; don’t dismiss. Over time, grief that is acknowledged and validated will heal.”

“Seek help! A good counselor will help you focus on today’s issues rather than the past.”

HOPE

“When couples learn about ADD and work together to address problematic symptoms, life can improve dramatically.”

TREATMENT

“Deciding whether to treat ADD is the sole responsibility of the person who has it. How to respond to your husband’s decision about treatment is up to you.”

“If the your husband decides against treatment, you will be left with only unpleasant choices:”

1) force treatment
2) force change without treatment
3) give up on change but stay in the relationship                                                (which often results in depression and anger)
4) leave the relationship

MOVING ON

“Your husband might refuse treatment for ADD symptoms, essentially forcing you to “take it or leave it”

“At some point, the situation may become untenable for you and if your husband remains uninterested in treatment, expressing your own needs very clearly in the form of an ultimatum is all that will be left.”

. . . There may be an ultimatum in my future.