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Archive for September, 2010

My Own Issues

I will admit, I bring a lot of my own issues into this relationship. The one that has been most in my mind lately is self-condemnation. Getting pregnant before getting married . . . marrying a man I can’t change . . . Taking responsibility for my actions seems to mean the same as saying my problems are a result of the bad choices I have made. Will the consequences of those choices always bring heartache? And what about the good choices? Will I ever reap the rewards of the good choices? . . . Has there been any?

Psalms 9:9   The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name, trust in You, for You, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for You.

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Question #4: What are my feelings for my husband?

Although I entered the marriage with more obligation than love, we have built a life together and if I felt no love for him now, he’d have no power to hurt me.  He is a great person to others but not often enough to me. But of course, he says that is my fault. He sees no reason to try to be his best towards me. “What for?”, he says. “It’s not like you’re trying to make this work.” I think if we had different dynamics between us, my feelings of affection for him would be brimming at the top of my “emotional cup” instead of stuffed way down at the bottom underneath all the pain and difficult issues.

Question #5: What is the easier thing to do?

In some ways it would be easier to stay together – like financial security. But the emotional roller coaster makes it so hard to stay together.

Question #6: What is the right thing to do?

Biblically speaking, I think divorce would not be the right thing to do. But how can God be OK with us living in these conditions if we can change them by separating? So maybe the answer is that He wants us to realize & admit this relationship can not improve with our efforts alone – but only with His help & if we truly make Him a part of the relationship can we have the marriage He desires for us.

Psalms 24:4   Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord, point out the right road for me to follow, lead me by your truth and teach me for You are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in You.

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Honest Answers

Question #1: Do we try to to salvage the relationship or is it time to move on?

I am hesitant to try (yet again) to “work on” the relationship because we have tried for many years with little success. Maybe if we got marriage counseling, the outcome would be better this time. I know he would object to the expense of therapy. “Moving on” might be painful in the short-term, but seems like a path that leads to a more hopeful future.

Question #2: How will it affect the kids?

I think the kids would be deeply affected. And while the 3 oldest would definitely understand since they witness the daily dysfunction, I think the 2 youngest ones would have a hard time.

Question #3: How long have I stayed because of the kids?

I entered into this marriage because of the kids (already having 2 & being pregnant with #3) and I continued to stay after things became bad, because of the kids. A part of me feels selfish for wanting this change now, while they are still young, but another part of me just can not take it any longer.

Psalms 31:7b   You have seen my troubles and You care about the anguish of my soul

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Hard Questions

Beginning the day with a knot in my stomach. Going to try to just get through it, but know I also need to ask myself some hard questions regarding the future. Do we try to salvage the relationship (yet again) or is it really time to move on? How is this going to affect the kids? Realistically, how long has it been now that I’ve “stayed” because of the kids? What do I feel for my husband? What is the easier thing to do? What is the right thing to do?

Psalms 142:1 I cry out to the Lord; I plead for the Lord’s mercy. I pour out my complaints before Him and tell Him all my troubles. For I am overwhelmed, and You alone know the way I should turn.

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Yesterday was the day I told my husband our marriage was over. Today is his birthday. My timing could have been better, but it wasn’t something I had planned to say. Not that I hadn’t thought  about it (often) since we married 15 years ago . . . I just never expected it to come out this way.

During yesterday’s argument, a rush of feelings overcame me with memories of all the problems, pain and  %!*# that have been a hallmark of our marriage. I felt like if I didn’t get the words out, I would suffocate. Now, here we are – his birthday and the aftermath of yesterday begins.

Psalms 31:9   Have mercy on me,  Lord, for I am in distress. My sight is blurred because of my tears. My body & soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness; I am wasting away from within; Misery has drained my strength.

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