At 19 years old, I came to a crossroad in my life where the direction taken was completely in my control. Up to that point, my life had been about responding to circumstances and trying not to live as a victim of fate. With each life altering event that had occurred, I believed God had a reason for it all.
But now, here I was, with the power to determine my destiny by accepting or rejecting a marriage proposal from the one I had once thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, 6 months earlier, marrying this man would have been a dream come true for me, but now, having had time away from our unhealthy relationship, I had gained perspective and lost my virginity. Both making my decision so much more difficult.
Perspective allowed me to realize how degrading our relationship had been. And by the time it ended 6 months earlier, I had not an ounce of self-esteem left. I felt unworthy without ever understanding why. At the time he proposed, I knew that I wanted a relationship with someone who treated me with respect. Was he going to be able to change & provide that for me, or would our future be more of the same?
Promiscuity & no longer being a virgin would have definitely been a deal breaker, had he known. Would I be able to keep it from him? How unfortunate for me, that by giving away my virtue, I experienced for the first time, the power of my sexuality. I felt wanted & worthy of love. The devil’s way of twisting the truth . . .
The next few months became very complicated – correction – I made the next few months very complicated. I accepted the marriage proposal while inwardly challenging him to prove he’d changed, Outwardly and secretly I continued my licentious affairs. My new “fiance” was in name only. There was no ring, no announcement, no date set. He had not changed – but it really didn’t matter much in the end because he eventually found me out. We broke up for the final time and within weeks I discovered I was pregnant from a man I had been with a few times but barely knew.
Such a scandal ensued . . . This is what love did to me . . . This is what lust did to me . . . This is what he did to me . . . This is what I did to me.