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Archive for July, 2011

Despite the trepidation I had of telling my story from the beginning to someone who might suspect I was describing a one-sided exaggerated version of my life, I now have a new therapist.

While the results with my last therapist were far from what I had been hoping, I was disappointed to learn he was no longer available. I had been looking forward to the comfort of familiarity in sharing with someone who knew firsthand the maddening effect of my husband’s behavior. When we spoke, he was apologetic for not being able to take me back on as a client, but changes in his personal life had necessitated a change in his work schedule.

The new therapist came highly recommended and when I “googled” her, instead of feeling encouraged by her long list of degrees, qualifications and experience, I was intimidated. That feeling was further intensified when we spoke on the phone to set up our first appointment.

Then we met.

She was everything I was expecting (and dreading) her to be . . . Which turned out to be exactly what I was needing.

Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

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After years of stumbling thru a dark tunnel, not knowing which direction to go, feeling helpless and hoping to be rescued, I have decided it is time for a plan to “rescue” myself from this toxic marriage. A simple plan, really, but one that, I am trusting, will result in a better life. Easier life? Maybe not, but I can not continue indefinitely on the path which I have been nor “until death us do part”, under the current conditions.

STEP ONE – Begin seeing a new therapist to address:

1) my own dysfunction

2) ways in which I can help my children re-connect as a family

3) confronting my husband with the responsibility of his own dysfunction and the ways it has affected me

STEP TWO – prepare myself financially for the possibility of supporting myself & the children without my husband by:

1) applying for a benefitted position at work where I will have guaranteed hours and accrue PTO, as well as be eligible for medical benefits

2) making the maximum payment (that I can afford) to each of my credit cards in order to have them paid off within the next 2 years

3) instead of refinancing our mortgage in 2 years as planned, when the time comes, if the situation with my husband has not changed, I will tell him that we need to sell the house, split the equity and separate.

Yes, 2 years is still a long way off . . . but with a plan, I am now going to “move” towards these goals and take control of my future, rather than continue living each day, in response to my husband, my circumstances and the influences around me.

“Life doesn’t give you a re-write; it only let’s you keep telling the stories you’ve got and offering fresh pages.” http://deeperstory.com/the-gift-of-your-beginning/

I am so ready for a new story . . .

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I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name
 
I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It’s where my help comes from

He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

 I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I’m weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I have to sing praise, when the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains, that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole
 
He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too
 
I have to believe . . .
 

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