I’ve been wrestling with God these days. Struggling with my faith and my reality. Taunted by theologies, verses and writings that cause more confusion and questions about “suffering” and it’s application to marriage. Realizing that as I am praying for God to show me His will, I have every intention of following His direction . . . as long as it does not involve further suffering or sacrifice. Wondering when my marriage will change from a trial to a testimony.
I do not know how to interpret the Truth I read and apply it to my reality.
I Peter 1:7 These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
Romans 8:18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later.
I Peter 2:21 This suffering is all part of what God has called you to. Christ, who suffered for you, is your example. Follow His steps. He never sinned and He never deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when He was insulted. When He suffered, He did not threaten to get even. He left His case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly. He personally carried away our sins in His own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and live for what is right.
Is my faith being tested through the difficulties I am having in my marriage? As a Christian woman, am I to continue living in these circumstances because it is what “God has called” me to do?
What have been the reasons I have tolerated my husband’s behavior all these years? Possibly my own lack of self forgiveness? Even though it hurt me and I didn’t understand it – has it been what I subconsciously believed I deserved?
“What we believe is revealed by how we live.”
What have I believed that has caused me to live with such dysfunction for so long? That I am paying for the sins of my past by living in the present with a husband who is an emotional abuser? Is that why I have never enforced consequences for his bad behavior? Feeling that divorce was “never an option”, because of my faith and the failed relationships in my past. Resolving I would make my marriage would work at all cost and hoping God would honor my steadfast commitment? Thinking that one day He would look down and say, “Enough. She has atoned for her past. She has remained faithful to Me in adversity and I will now bless the fruit of her labor.” Is that why I so desire to be hopeful that my husband will one day change . . . and that one day, I will have the marriage and family that I have dreamt of since I was a young girl?
The Truth is . . .
Life is Hard
Marriages Fail
Love is not Enough
And sometimes . . .
Faith & Commitment aren’t either
May God have Mercy on me
my gossamer life 