Archive for May, 2012

As a little girl, I longed for a daddy to pick me up, swing me around, and tell me that I was special. That I was beautiful. That I was treasured. And most of all, that I was loved. But my daddy never swung me around with great delight, and he never said the words my heart desperately longed to hear. This rejection became adult emptiness and brokenness that made me doubt I was lovable.”

“Insecurities cut deep. Shame ran rampant. Desperation for acceptance drove me to seek out all kinds of misguided remedies . . . My primary remedy was finding someone or something that would make me feel secure and significant . . . I struggled with self-doubt and insecurity paralyzed me with thoughts such as:

‘I can’t do this’
‘Things will never change’
‘My life isn’t going to get better’

In my never-ending quest to find solutions for this difficult season, I’ve started reading a new book. A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.

I shared last week with my therapist that my current goals are to deal with the insecurities I feel about:

1) my appearance
2) my worth
3) my identity

None of which are new issues, but all are at the root of the areas of weakness that the devil tries to use (and often succeeds) in pre-occupying my thoughts and paralyzing me from positive action in my relationship with my husband.

I often hear the life stories of others and the difficulties they are enduring. That is when I realize just how busy the devil is in propagating lies and twisting the truth to cause us pain. But I also consider how although I am actively pursuing God, I am still so FAR from a life of victory and blessing. Instead, I am hanging on to my faith for dear life, grasping the hem of His garment with all my might, and hoping, He is holding on to me just as tightly.

The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be . . . And fears it.” – John Eldridge


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The Silent Treatment – Month 2: I am feeling so battered by the storms in my life. Even though I know all the promises God has given and that I should be trusting Him to give me the strength to endure the storm, I am in such need of peace.

I would love for Him to calm the seas during this raging storm. I would love to have that “perfect peace” that “surpasses all understanding” and that allows me to “be still, and know” He is my God.

I have been told that sometimes God calms the seas, and sometimes He calms the heart. I would be grateful for either, at this point. So until then, I continue to pray – for grace, strength, wisdom, guidance . . . and, when I am so overwhelmed that I have no words of my own to say in prayer, I will use the words of a song.

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On this journey, there is nothing quite like meeting someone on the road whose experiences have resembled my own. Whether we cross paths in person, through a computer or a book, the result is the same when their words resonate with my own feelings.

The affirmation that I am not alone in my situation, that my story is understood by another and to be able to relate to someone else’s story, is like balm to my hurting and confused soul.

The following statements came from a couple as they shared how their marriage has been (and continues to be) affected by ADD.

He Said:

“I felt that no matter how hard I tried I could never do well enough for my spouse, even when I was successful elsewhere, such as at work. It didn’t matter – I still felt like a failure at home.”

“I often responded with anger and defensiveness, when it was shame that I was really feeling.”

“I had to anticipate my wife’s response to every single thing I did. I lived my life trying to second guess her because I really did want to please her, but most of the time she was still mad.”

“I sometimes felt that the easiest way to deal with my spouse was to simply leave her alone.”

“Our marital issues left me feeling unloved.”

“Even if my ADD made me see or remember something ‘not right’, it still was my reality, and that was not respected.”

“I learned to lie to cover for mistakes. I learned to deflect criticism, to shift the blame to anything or anyone other than myself to protect my ego. I avoided being decisive, because in deferring the decisions to someone else, I could also defer the blame.”

“I have trouble planning ahead. I am notoriously late because I easily lose track of time and I’m often terrible at judging how long it will take to complete a task. I know this bothers my wife, but I don’t understand why it bothers her so much.”

“I felt the only reason my wife was insisting on treatment was so she could change me. I didn’t realize that what she wanted was the real me – without so much of the ADD baggage.”

“I don’t understand why we still have problems, even though I am now receiving treatment for my ADD . . “

“I don’t believe all of our problems are my fault . . . or the result of my ADD.”

She Said:

“There has been so much inconsistency living with my husband. I have usually been the one left to “clean up” from what was forgotten or not finished by my spouse.”

“I get so frustrated that my husband never seems to follow through on what he has agreed to do. He focuses intently on things that interest him, but never on me. I feel lonely and ignored in our relationship.”

“I am scared for myself . . .that my life will continue along it’s current path. I think about leaving my husband because the current path feels unsustainable.”

“The effects that my husband’s behavior have had on our marriage and family are much more than can be imagined.”

“At times, I become overwhelmed by sadness. And I mourn for the relationship I could have with my spouse, if not for ADD.”

“Life often seems depressingly up and down and out of control. I can not believe how many years we have dealt with the same issues over and over again.”

“I don’t understand my husband’s anger, stonewalling and defensiveness. If he is not responding angrily towards me or the kids, then he is ignoring us. I am constantly seeking any scraps of attention, respect, help and support I can get from him”

“He can be convinced that he is upset because of something I have just said, but he doesn’t recall that he was upset long before.”

“Understanding my husband’s quite different reality can be so challenging. I am exhausted and depleted. No amount of effort seems to fix the relationship.”

“I want to be able to love my husband unreservedly, without having to make as many of the horrific trade offs in my own life that responding to his symptoms has required.”

“He doesn’t see that deciding to get treatment is not the same as pursuing effective treatment that gives both of us relief from his

“By the time we finally find solutions for our issues, I feel my life will be shredded beyond recognition – I have already been scarred forever.”

They Said:

Our marriage has been a progression from happy to confused to angry to hopeless.

There is more sadness than hope in their story, but it was good for me to hear the husband’s perspective. You see, although ADD is a topic I now know much about, this is probably the closest I will ever come to knowing what life is like for my own husband . . .

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