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Archive for the ‘a deeper story’ Category

After years of stumbling thru a dark tunnel, not knowing which direction to go, feeling helpless and hoping to be rescued, I have decided it is time for a plan to “rescue” myself from this toxic marriage. A simple plan, really, but one that, I am trusting, will result in a better life. Easier life? Maybe not, but I can not continue indefinitely on the path which I have been nor “until death us do part”, under the current conditions.

STEP ONE – Begin seeing a new therapist to address:

1) my own dysfunction

2) ways in which I can help my children re-connect as a family

3) confronting my husband with the responsibility of his own dysfunction and the ways it has affected me

STEP TWO – prepare myself financially for the possibility of supporting myself & the children without my husband by:

1) applying for a benefitted position at work where I will have guaranteed hours and accrue PTO, as well as be eligible for medical benefits

2) making the maximum payment (that I can afford) to each of my credit cards in order to have them paid off within the next 2 years

3) instead of refinancing our mortgage in 2 years as planned, when the time comes, if the situation with my husband has not changed, I will tell him that we need to sell the house, split the equity and separate.

Yes, 2 years is still a long way off . . . but with a plan, I am now going to “move” towards these goals and take control of my future, rather than continue living each day, in response to my husband, my circumstances and the influences around me.

“Life doesn’t give you a re-write; it only let’s you keep telling the stories you’ve got and offering fresh pages.” http://deeperstory.com/the-gift-of-your-beginning/

I am so ready for a new story . . .

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While my husband was in Arizona, I tried to make the most of his absence and view it as a break from his difficult personality. The household was peaceful but the kids were so needy, not giving me even a minute of downtime to do anything else but be available to them. Since my husband is not usually welcoming to their friends, while he was gone, the kids had friends over almost every night for dinner. Despite the work required in being a hostess, the atmosphere was relaxed and dinner time was filled with much laughter and conversation.

With my husband’s return, the tension, chaotic energy & guarded interactions that keep us disconnected have also returned. I saw the following comments from the blogs I read and could relate so well to the author’s sentiments:

” Sometimes I feel like I have the maturity of a child. It takes days for me to relax and trust that your presence is not fleeting. It takes weeks of consistency for me to trust & depend on your friendship. It takes months to feel comfortable enough to call you when I need a friend.” – (mindspace by t.c.)

” . . . the times he’s absent and you numb a piece of your heart, resentment leaving a thick, bitter coating . . . What you wouldn’t give to feel like you were created from a piece of bone near his heart, wildly adoring who you are together.” – (a deeper story)

On the first weekend of my husband’s return, we attended the wedding of his cousin. I dressed with care, hoping he would notice. I spoke with endearment in attempt to draw him to me. Longing for his approval and some glimmer or sign to indicate he had missed me. As usual, he seemed too pre-occupied with a hundred other things to observe my attempts to connect.

At the end of the day. when the vows had been exchanged, congratulations had been given and the wedding couple toasted, we drove home in silence. My husband lost in his own thoughts and me, with this on my mind: “I realize how far I am from that innocent bride that was filled with so much hope as she walked toward her husband at the marriage altar. A bride who would have laid down her life out of love for her husband. No, I am not that bride anymore and I never will be again. My co-dependant self screams to him, ‘You killed her. You starved her little by little, till she was gone.’ “ (mindspace by t.c.)

Ephesians 5: 22-28 (the Message) Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.

How and when did we get things so wrong from the way they should be?

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