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Archive for the ‘life’s playlist’ Category

“We write to taste life twice . . .” ~ Anais Nin

I write so I will not forget. But some days, I just don’t want to remember. Sometimes I just don’t want to “taste life twice”. This is one of those times. So for anyone who follows my blog, I hope you forgive me, but today I am posting only a song. Like most of the songs I post, this one speaks for me.

Where I am today.

Right now.

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My favorite song right now:

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The Silent Treatment – Month 2: I am feeling so battered by the storms in my life. Even though I know all the promises God has given and that I should be trusting Him to give me the strength to endure the storm, I am in such need of peace.

I would love for Him to calm the seas during this raging storm. I would love to have that “perfect peace” that “surpasses all understanding” and that allows me to “be still, and know” He is my God.

I have been told that sometimes God calms the seas, and sometimes He calms the heart. I would be grateful for either, at this point. So until then, I continue to pray – for grace, strength, wisdom, guidance . . . and, when I am so overwhelmed that I have no words of my own to say in prayer, I will use the words of a song.


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June 2009

Welcome to the Mommy Club!” the card read. It would accompany the bouquet of flowers I had just ordered. The florist would have to deliver our “Congratulations” since the new mom had let us know she was too “overwhelmed” for visitors. Having had her first baby at age 40, it was understandable.

What was not understandable was that after a few months, having still not received an invitation to meet the new baby of my husband’s cousin, my husband told me that he had met the baby, had been over several times (without my knowledge) and had even been asked to babysit.

Confused? So was I.  Apparently, this cousin had invited (only) my husband over because she wanted him to be “a part of her daughter’s life”. His explanation of this behavior on both their parts made absolutely no sense. Just like all the rest of his behavior.

Does anything about this seem wrong to you?” I demanded. “Have I done something to offend her or her husband?” was my next question. He answered “No” to both. He claimed to have no idea why she didn’t want me or our children to meet her new baby and felt he should not have the responsibility to “facilitate” a relationship between her and us. He also saw nothing disrespectful in going to visit her when she was clear in saying to him that his wife and children were not welcome.

What is wrong with this man? The dysfunction is obviously familial or else what other explanation could there be for his cousin’s behavior?

December 2009

He has been distant, difficult and defensive. I am now familiar with his cycle of behavior when it is directed towards me, but when he pushes the kids away as well, I find it intolerable. This month, with Christmas coming, his behavior is all the more apparent since he has not participated in any holiday activities with us as a family.

The annual “Live Nativity” was the only event he had agreed to meet us at after work and the kids were looking forward to the community affair. It always drew huge crowds and we arrived early to get in a line that serpentined around several blocks before the doors even opened. The sun had long set and the spotlights were on the angels atop the church building as they moved in time to the Christmas music. Camels, donkeys and lambs were led though the streets. Men dressed as Roman soldiers walked by, demanding us to “pay our taxes” and “register for the census”.

It was in this line that the call came. His aunt had come to town to visit her daughter and now 6 month old granddaughter. He would be spending the evening with them instead . . .

December 2010

He asked almost tentatively. And rightly so. Our relationship had been through one of the worst years of our marriage and could not take much more strain before it was broken beyond repair.

His aunt would again be coming to spend the holidays with her daughter and now 1 1/2 year old granddaughter, but she would also like to spend time with our family as well. Would it be possible to host them all for a Christmas Eve dinner?

With all the graciousness I could muster, I smiled and said, “Of course.” As much as I enjoyed entertaining, I knew this dinner party would require a grace that could only come from God.

Christmas Eve came and the kids and I worked non-stop to make sure the house was picture perfect. I set the table with our best linen, crystal and silver. The menu was simple but delicious. Martha Stewart I am not, but that night, she would have been impressed. When I cleared the table after dinner to set out tea and dessert, I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that the end of this stressful evening was in sight. Up to that point, I tried not to be resentful that my husband had not lifted a finger to help with ANYTHING, nor uttered a single word of thanks for the effort we had put into it all. Instead, I tried to take satisfaction in the fact that I had been gracious and hospitable with our guests, despite their bad manners.

Not knowing if they were aware we could hear them as we sat in the living room, my husband and his cousin could be heard laughing in the kitchen. My cheeks flushed with humiliation as she questioned the formality of the evening, the choice of menu, the size of the tea cups (who drinks from those?!) and my husband in complete agreement with her as they both laughed . . . at me.

Today

I feel I haven’t received all the answers I need to explain and let go of ANY of my husband’s past behavior. Until that happens, I don’t think I will ever be able to trust in all the ways needed to make a marriage work. I may never get those answers . . . And then what? Or what if I do get answers and I am still unable to trust or let go of all the ways he has hurt me? Either because of the answers themselves, because of so much prior abuse, or because of my own flaws?

“Lord, I am broken. My life is in pieces, but Your strength is perfect in all of my weakness.”

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I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name
 
I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It’s where my help comes from

He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

 I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I’m weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I have to sing praise, when the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains, that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole
 
He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too
 
I have to believe . . .
 

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“You are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower, my very present help in time of need . . . “

I haven’t been able to sleep and last night, these were the words I kept repeating. Hoping that if I said them enough times I would actually begin to feel their Truth – or at least fall asleep with the Word in my head/heart.

My husband is gone – but not without some last-minute drama. Less than 24 hours before the “team” was to leave, they received word that there had been an attempted coup of the government by the military of the country they would be traveling to do their medical mission. The trip was canceled out of safety concerns and within hours, an alternate country and facility were chosen, plane tickets purchased, and off they went.

Because of the rapid change of plan, my husband decided not to stay for a “vacation” at this new location after the mission is done, and will be returning with the team. I let him know that just because his vacation didn’t happen, doesn’t mean that it “didn’t happen”. The hurt he caused can not be undone just because of circumstances that were out of his control, forced him to change his plans.

He still sees my pain and anger towards him as an over reaction. A reason to portray him as a “bad guy.”

Lord, please give me peace . . . and let me feel You are

My Shield, protecting me,

My Strength when I am so drained,

My Shelter and Strong Tower that I can run to, and

My Very Present Help in this time of need!

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A recent tragedy for our friends with the sudden death of a husband & father of six beautiful children. Fifty years young. Gone in an instant. As our family mourns the loss of life, the disconnection between me & my husband is felt that much more. Adversity does not brings us closer. Instead, we grieve in isolation. There are no hugs of comfort or consolation shared as the tears stream down our faces at his funeral. We are together, yet alone.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long ’til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I’m on my knees, Father will You turn to me? One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why.
I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I’m on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can’t see but I’ll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

by Tenth Avenue North

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