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When my kids started using Facebook, I didn’t give it much thought after setting down some initial ground rules. When my husband started using Facebook, I could foresee the potential for problems. Lacking his own boundaries and disregarding mine was a guarantee that issues would (soon) arise.

Not sure how long it was before the first incident happened, but it was as he was getting ready for a medical missions trip out of the country. Since we were “Facebook friends” I could see what was being written on his “wall”. Amidst the comments of those wishing him a safe and successful trip was this post from a female “friend”, “Looking forward to our trip to N_____! Can’t wait to see you in your white Speedo!”

Of course, confronting him brought the usual responses of defense. “I don’t know what she’s talking about” . . . “She’s known for her inappropriate comments” . . . “It was just a joke” . . . “I have no control over what other people write.” And the usual defensive responses brought on the usual cycle of questioning my own insecurities, but at the same time, my intuition was telling (yelling at) me that something was very wrong with his behavior. I wondered about the kind of friendships he had with women where they would see nothing wrong with this type of interaction.

The next Facebook incident involved a different female friend of his and something he posted on her “wall”. Again, it was confronted (as I continue to “be the buffalo”) and here is how our conversation went:

Me: “This is a conversation I really wish I didn’t have to have with you, but if I don’t, then you will never know. . . I do not find it appropriate for you to write ‘Happy Birthday, Good Looking! Sorry we couldn’t spend the day together,” on a female co-worker’s Facebook wall.”

The range of his responses was so broad, they included:
1. there was nothing inappropriate about it
2. with the type of friendship they have – that’s how they talk to each other
3. it was meant as a joke
4. he will no longer give compliments to anyone since I find it offensive
5. he’s not a child and should not have to explain himself to me
6. he’s uncomfortable around me – even to sleep in the same bed is uncomfortable for him
7. he feels he can’t talk to me
8. I am just using this as an excuse to fight with him
9. am I in love with someone else?
10. he thought he saw hickey marks on my neck last week
11. he didn’t write the message to hurt me
12. I am just looking for reasons to be upset so I can end the marriage

An unfortunate conversation on so many levels – he feels so justified in his behavior. Nothing I say will change that. Whenever there is a situation with him, I usually react inwardly, but outwardly shut down. And during the times I do express myself, our discussions are never productive enough to resolve the conflict. Instead, my husband becomes defensive and self-righteous. My feelings are then invalidated and my frustration/hopelessness escalates.

I can’t see myself lasting much longer in the state I’m in . . . My spouse’s behavior is going to push me out the door one day, if not soon.

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