Posts Tagged ‘life’s playlist’

“We write to taste life twice . . .” ~ Anais Nin

I write so I will not forget. But some days, I just don’t want to remember. Sometimes I just don’t want to “taste life twice”. This is one of those times. So for anyone who follows my blog, I hope you forgive me, but today I am posting only a song. Like most of the songs I post, this one speaks for me.

Where I am today.

Right now.


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My favorite song right now:

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The Silent Treatment – Month 2: I am feeling so battered by the storms in my life. Even though I know all the promises God has given and that I should be trusting Him to give me the strength to endure the storm, I am in such need of peace.

I would love for Him to calm the seas during this raging storm. I would love to have that “perfect peace” that “surpasses all understanding” and that allows me to “be still, and know” He is my God.

I have been told that sometimes God calms the seas, and sometimes He calms the heart. I would be grateful for either, at this point. So until then, I continue to pray – for grace, strength, wisdom, guidance . . . and, when I am so overwhelmed that I have no words of my own to say in prayer, I will use the words of a song.

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For my own mental health, I have decided to “unfriend” my husband on Facebook.

Here is the latest post on his wall from a new “friend”:

Hey there!
I would love to catch up with you over lunch, but my schedule has been hectic. Hope you are doing well. Let’s go out sometime soon. We could take a long hike or spend some quiet time together over coffee. I can lend you my ears. Sending you peaceful thoughts.
Until then,

When I brought it up to my husband, he denied the message even existed. He was offended that I challenged him to open his Facebook to prove me wrong, then his fingers suddenly became clumsy as they hit the computer keyboard and it took him several attempts to type the right password. When he finally did, of course the message was there. He claimed to have no idea why this “acquaintance” would have asked him out since he had absolutely no relationship with her other than being co-workers. Eventually, he said it was possible that the message came after she saw him “looking down” over his marital problems, but that they had never gone on a hike or out to coffee . . .

A few days later, he sent me this e-mail:

“I am sorry for what you are going through based on what you feel is due to my behavior. I never responded to Trista’ s invitation and that is the truth. Even if I was on Facebook and I had seen the message before you brought it to my attention, I am not the type of man who would engage in such behavior, but obviously you think I am, and seem to have made up your mind already. I am sorry that you are in pain because of me, when all I want is to be the husband who desires to love you.”

“I am not sure what it is that I can say to you because anything I say will be misconstrued. I have already told you that I was not on Facebook and that even if I had read this message, I have no intention of having any kind of relationship with anyone outside of my marriage. Not once have I ever struggled with the temptation of infidelity. I am not the type of man that you make me out to be, and while you are entitled to your opinion, I find it unjust to question my integrity – not when it comes to my faithfulness. I am only sorry that after all these years, you would put me in such a category of men. I know that I have many faults, but you should know that I will never be unfaithful to you. If you are done with me, please find a different reason. My OCD, my lack of ability to make you happy and communicate, my inability to meet your expectations as a husband and father, but not as a cheater.”

“I feel blessed and at peace to have a clear conscience.”

My husband is adamant about not having a struggle with infidelity, but there is definitely some type of struggle going on with him.

I suspect the truth is being manipulated because he’s afraid. Because he keeps what he’s done wrong in the dark. And in the dark, everything seems worse than what it is. Sometimes being married to my husband can be like navigating a minefield when all I’ve ever wanted it to be is a place of comfort; a place to step without having to look first.

“Our love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

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The words of a song can sometimes speak the feelings of my heart when my own words are inadequate. This song speaks the words of my prayer today:

Oh Lord You’ve searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

And when the Earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

(posted on the day of another uncelebrated wedding anniversary)


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June 2009

Welcome to the Mommy Club!” the card read. It would accompany the bouquet of flowers I had just ordered. The florist would have to deliver our “Congratulations” since the new mom had let us know she was too “overwhelmed” for visitors. Having had her first baby at age 40, it was understandable.

What was not understandable was that after a few months, having still not received an invitation to meet the new baby of my husband’s cousin, my husband told me that he had met the baby, had been over several times (without my knowledge) and had even been asked to babysit.

Confused? So was I.  Apparently, this cousin had invited (only) my husband over because she wanted him to be “a part of her daughter’s life”. His explanation of this behavior on both their parts made absolutely no sense. Just like all the rest of his behavior.

Does anything about this seem wrong to you?” I demanded. “Have I done something to offend her or her husband?” was my next question. He answered “No” to both. He claimed to have no idea why she didn’t want me or our children to meet her new baby and felt he should not have the responsibility to “facilitate” a relationship between her and us. He also saw nothing disrespectful in going to visit her when she was clear in saying to him that his wife and children were not welcome.

What is wrong with this man? The dysfunction is obviously familial or else what other explanation could there be for his cousin’s behavior?

December 2009

He has been distant, difficult and defensive. I am now familiar with his cycle of behavior when it is directed towards me, but when he pushes the kids away as well, I find it intolerable. This month, with Christmas coming, his behavior is all the more apparent since he has not participated in any holiday activities with us as a family.

The annual “Live Nativity” was the only event he had agreed to meet us at after work and the kids were looking forward to the community affair. It always drew huge crowds and we arrived early to get in a line that serpentined around several blocks before the doors even opened. The sun had long set and the spotlights were on the angels atop the church building as they moved in time to the Christmas music. Camels, donkeys and lambs were led though the streets. Men dressed as Roman soldiers walked by, demanding us to “pay our taxes” and “register for the census”.

It was in this line that the call came. His aunt had come to town to visit her daughter and now 6 month old granddaughter. He would be spending the evening with them instead . . .

December 2010

He asked almost tentatively. And rightly so. Our relationship had been through one of the worst years of our marriage and could not take much more strain before it was broken beyond repair.

His aunt would again be coming to spend the holidays with her daughter and now 1 1/2 year old granddaughter, but she would also like to spend time with our family as well. Would it be possible to host them all for a Christmas Eve dinner?

With all the graciousness I could muster, I smiled and said, “Of course.” As much as I enjoyed entertaining, I knew this dinner party would require a grace that could only come from God.

Christmas Eve came and the kids and I worked non-stop to make sure the house was picture perfect. I set the table with our best linen, crystal and silver. The menu was simple but delicious. Martha Stewart I am not, but that night, she would have been impressed. When I cleared the table after dinner to set out tea and dessert, I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that the end of this stressful evening was in sight. Up to that point, I tried not to be resentful that my husband had not lifted a finger to help with ANYTHING, nor uttered a single word of thanks for the effort we had put into it all. Instead, I tried to take satisfaction in the fact that I had been gracious and hospitable with our guests, despite their bad manners.

Not knowing if they were aware we could hear them as we sat in the living room, my husband and his cousin could be heard laughing in the kitchen. My cheeks flushed with humiliation as she questioned the formality of the evening, the choice of menu, the size of the tea cups (who drinks from those?!) and my husband in complete agreement with her as they both laughed . . . at me.


I feel I haven’t received all the answers I need to explain and let go of ANY of my husband’s past behavior. Until that happens, I don’t think I will ever be able to trust in all the ways needed to make a marriage work. I may never get those answers . . . And then what? Or what if I do get answers and I am still unable to trust or let go of all the ways he has hurt me? Either because of the answers themselves, because of so much prior abuse, or because of my own flaws?

“Lord, I am broken. My life is in pieces, but Your strength is perfect in all of my weakness.”

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I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name
I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It’s where my help comes from

He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

 I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I’m weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I have to sing praise, when the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains, that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole
He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too
I have to believe . . .

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