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Posts Tagged ‘Proverbs 29:25’

I write for me. I write to put words to my feelings. I write to gain perspective on reality & Truth.

I have been blogging anonymously now for several months. Neither my family nor friends have any knowledge of this place where I publicly share my thoughts, my life, my heart. I could tell myself several reasons why I blog “in secret”, but what is the truth? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings? I don’t think anyone will believe that the husband that they see is not the husband I know? I do not want to feel judged?

When I write, I am forced to take all the thoughts that are swirling in my head and the emotions that are swimming in my heart and see reality for what it is, not what I wish it was. It is so validating to write about the situations of my life and receive a comment from someone who can “relate”.

But what is it – shame? self-condemnation? protection? pride? – that causes me to keep secrets? I am vague when people ask how many years I’ve been married so no one can “do the math” & realize it is 5 years less than my oldest child. I have had the same co-workers for 10 years and none of them know that my children do not share the same father. Nor that I got pregnant (four times) before being married. I blog when no one is home and write about the credit card debts I carry that not even my husband knows of. I’ve been more authentic in this blog that can be read by strangers than I am to those in my day-to-day world to whom I should be closest.

I’ve wondered what would happen if my friends or family did stumble across my blog and, after reading a few posts, immediately realize they know it’s author. As for my friends, they would most definitely be surprised. Some would understand why I kept secrets . . . others would not. My embarrassment at what they would now know about me, would be certain. My children would gain insight to the inner thoughts of the person they think of only as “mom”. Would they be able to understand my perspective? Probably not as children. And my husband? – of anyone in my life, I’ve wondered most about what his reaction would be. What would he think/feel as he read my exposed diary? Would he hear my heart speaking, would his defenses rise, would he judge & sentence me and our marriage?

“The most radical treatment for the fear of man is the fear of the Lord. God must be bigger to you than people are…. Regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God). The task God sets for us is to need them less and love them more.” (Edward Welch – When People are Big & God is Small)

Proverbs 29:25 He that feareth man, shall quickly fall: he that trusteth in the Lord, shall be set on high.

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