On this journey, there is nothing quite like meeting someone on the road whose experiences have resembled my own. Whether we cross paths in person, through a computer or a book, the result is the same when their words resonate with my own feelings.
The affirmation that I am not alone in my situation, that my story is understood by another and to be able to relate to someone else’s story, is like balm to my hurting and confused soul.
The following statements came from a couple as they shared how their marriage has been (and continues to be) affected by ADD.
He Said:
“I felt that no matter how hard I tried I could never do well enough for my spouse, even when I was successful elsewhere, such as at work. It didn’t matter – I still felt like a failure at home.”
“I often responded with anger and defensiveness, when it was shame that I was really feeling.”
“I had to anticipate my wife’s response to every single thing I did. I lived my life trying to second guess her because I really did want to please her, but most of the time she was still mad.”
“I sometimes felt that the easiest way to deal with my spouse was to simply leave her alone.”
“Our marital issues left me feeling unloved.”
“Even if my ADD made me see or remember something ‘not right’, it still was my reality, and that was not respected.”
“I learned to lie to cover for mistakes. I learned to deflect criticism, to shift the blame to anything or anyone other than myself to protect my ego. I avoided being decisive, because in deferring the decisions to someone else, I could also defer the blame.”
“I have trouble planning ahead. I am notoriously late because I easily lose track of time and I’m often terrible at judging how long it will take to complete a task. I know this bothers my wife, but I don’t understand why it bothers her so much.”
“I felt the only reason my wife was insisting on treatment was so she could change me. I didn’t realize that what she wanted was the real me – without so much of the ADD baggage.”
“I don’t understand why we still have problems, even though I am now receiving treatment for my ADD . . “
“I don’t believe all of our problems are my fault . . . or the result of my ADD.”
She Said:
“There has been so much inconsistency living with my husband. I have usually been the one left to “clean up” from what was forgotten or not finished by my spouse.”
“I get so frustrated that my husband never seems to follow through on what he has agreed to do. He focuses intently on things that interest him, but never on me. I feel lonely and ignored in our relationship.”
“I am scared for myself . . .that my life will continue along it’s current path. I think about leaving my husband because the current path feels unsustainable.”
“The effects that my husband’s behavior have had on our marriage and family are much more than can be imagined.”
“At times, I become overwhelmed by sadness. And I mourn for the relationship I could have with my spouse, if not for ADD.”
“Life often seems depressingly up and down and out of control. I can not believe how many years we have dealt with the same issues over and over again.”
“I don’t understand my husband’s anger, stonewalling and defensiveness. If he is not responding angrily towards me or the kids, then he is ignoring us. I am constantly seeking any scraps of attention, respect, help and support I can get from him”
“He can be convinced that he is upset because of something I have just said, but he doesn’t recall that he was upset long before.”
“Understanding my husband’s quite different reality can be so challenging. I am exhausted and depleted. No amount of effort seems to fix the relationship.”
“I want to be able to love my husband unreservedly, without having to make as many of the horrific trade offs in my own life that responding to his symptoms has required.”
“He doesn’t see that deciding to get treatment is not the same as pursuing effective treatment that gives both of us relief from his
symptoms.”
“By the time we finally find solutions for our issues, I feel my life will be shredded beyond recognition – I have already been scarred forever.”
They Said:
Our marriage has been a progression from happy to confused to angry to hopeless.
There is more sadness than hope in their story, but it was good for me to hear the husband’s perspective. You see, although ADD is a topic I now know much about, this is probably the closest I will ever come to knowing what life is like for my own husband . . .
my gossamer life 